Monday, June 20, 2005

Too Hot To Handle?

Unless you live in Yorkshire or some other loser country, you will no doubt be enjoying the tip top weather we are having. Make no mistake about it: summer has definitely arrived (for this week at least).

Summer means two things for me: number one is the British media going apeshit over global warming, the second thing is both the beautiful and most annoying thing about summer.

Women wearing less.

You see, the beauty is for all to see. A bit of skin makes any woman look more attractive. No need to spell it out. However, the annoying thing is that it's not reciprical. Blokes - by nature - are ugly.

Yes. Even the metrosexual ones.

I could into great detail on why this is the case, but here's a graph, with points illustrated below.

As you can see, girls are generally proportional, whereas blokes are generally inversely proportional. Some finer points.

1. The Jodie Marsh Crack This is the point whereby a tart (such as Jodie Marsh), who goes out wearing next to nothing clubbing, falls down. Not all girls experience this, but it depends on which state of undress you see them at. Another person who languishes in Jodie Marsh's crack Sam from Big Brother, who spent so much time in a bikini that she actually got boring.

2. The Slipknot Rise This is the general increase from a bloke wearing a boiler suit and mask (hence the Slipknot reference) - which is ugly, to a point where they're wearing a jumper and jeans - respectable. This is not including firemen, who women just seem to swoon over.

3. The Peak This, unsurprisingly, is the peak at which a man can look it's best. T-shirt/shirt and jeans. After this point is downhill.

4. The short jump This is the point where a man can look most respectable in summer: wearing shorts. No speedos, and no 3/4 length trousers (more to follow). Even then, hairy legs are not nice. Anything less than that is just awful.

Of course, none of this matter. You know why? Because blokes don't care. I should know, I am one. I am sitting here wearing 3/4 length trousers and a Starsky & Hutch t-shirt, and I don't care. I may not be cool (in the fashion sense), but at least I'm cool (in the temperature sense).

And before any girls come back and say "oooh, such and such is attractive.". Maybe he is, with clothes on. Only if you have seen them naked can you pass comment.

I don't know why I'm blogging this, but nevermind.