Friday, August 12, 2005

You Had A Bad Day

I think I'm at my lowest ebb ever, I've never been this depressed.

Although I have off days (kind of like S), I'm feeling pretty miserable. I thought I would of gotten over S by now - but I haven't. The fact that she was my first, and I do miss her is one reason. But there's something more.

I haven't done anything noteworthy for the last 3 months.

This has made it doubly hard getting over S. My life - which was once socialising and going out, has come to almost a complete halt. Imagine the feeling you get when somebody you want to be with breaks up with you. Then imagine three months of it. Yep, that's my life. It's actually gotten harder, as I was up and down to Liverpool, doing this, that and the other with my mates, Vicky and whomever else, for about a month or so. However, since that people have moved away, are doing there own things, and worse - settling down - means that I'm pretty much left alone to my own devices.

My evening either consists of sitting in front of the TV, or sitting in front of the Internet, with 20 minutes to do a workout, so that maybe the next time I go out I get a chance to do something not so depressing in the evenings. For christ sakes I'm 21. Mum keeps telling me that I'm in far too much for a 21 year old.

I hide my true feelings alot, as I don't like being depressed. Depression I feel is a sign of weakness, and I don't like feeling it. I want to be perfect, and I always consider myself the emotional rock. Always a shoulder to cry on. Now, I'm scared. I'm miserable, and I've got nobody to talk to. My brother picked up on something, but I don't think he'd understand. Nobody I feel understands, or even knows too much about me. I'm kind of always in the background, always the wallflower when everybody else has pulled (trust me, I pull a lot less than you think), never really speaking up. When I do, it's usually about football, or an anecdote. I very rarely express my feelings, which I feel has been detrimental.

People have unwittingly hurt me over the last few months, and my confidence has taken a battering. I'm just feeling so down, so miserable at the moment, and I don't know what to do to get out of it.

For those of you who know me and are thinking about joking about this post when you next see me: fuck off. Occasionally I tell stories on this blog which may have been exaggerated. This is real. I'm literally so close to tears so many times, and I don't know why. So if you even consider one backhanded remark about this post, then you are some sad, sad people, who should really look in the mirror before taking the piss of somebody, because it will expose you for the transparrent, shallow, cruel individual that you really are.

Also, this point is directed to Sarah: please, please, please don't think this is a personal attack on you, and I blame you for everything. You are entirely blameless, and a loving and caring friend. Just like you can't talk to me about somethings, I can't talk to you about certain things as well. It just feels that the most immediate source of relief is this blog, and I need to get my thoughts out, otherwise I would explode. I probably would of poured my heart out to you online if you had been on, gotten an immediate response. However, you weren't, so I'm just writing this now, as I need to get my thoughts out in the open.