Sunday, April 30, 2006

Regaining Confidence in Conwy

Ever since my "wierd heart thingy" (the official name for my Aortal Fibrulation) just over a week ago, I have spent most of my days trying to regain my confidence. It did scare the shit out of me, and since then I've been learning to walk again (figuratively), testing my body again. Yesterday was the first time I ate a takeaway since that Thursday. Today, I did something I'd swore "I'd never do again", when I left the hospital.

I had a drink.

See, slight change of plan from yesterday. We couldn't be arsed with the Llandudno show, so we're hopefully doing it tomorrow (had enough of shows for the time being). Instead, we went to the lovely walled city of Conwy. Conwy - whilst being full of inbred bastards - has amazing chip shops and pubs. So - after taking the dog for a walk around Conwy, we went into one of these pubs, in the beer garden, and I had a half.

I admit, it's not the sexiest photo of me in the world, but by god I'm proud of it. Not the fact that I'm drinking, but just because I've taken another step back into normality.

It's been hard, I promise you. Some people think I've been over-reacting and that I'm putting it on just to get some time off work. I'll be honest, if it was one of my work collagues instead of myself, I'd probably think the same way. But nothing really does prepare you for something like that. All my life I've thought I'm invincible, now I'm feeling very weak and vulnerable. I've become a hell of a lot more emotional as well: I was almost in tears during Miami Ink. Miami Ink! It's a reality program about tattooists! Not exactly Schindler's List on the emotion stakes. But something almost brought me to tears on it.

I have started looking at the world in a more "holier than thou" approach too. Well, simultaneously look up and look down on people. I notice fat (I mean morbidly obese) people walking down the street, and think "you fucking bastard, I bet you've never been to hospital in your life", likewise with drunkards. I really should be amongst them, not cooked up at home.

But today, it's a positive, and I needed to get that off my chest. I'm sure some of you won't approve of me drinking again (likewise those of you that won't approve of me gambling again, ah well, c'est la vie), but the fact I'm not scared to for now, is surely a good thing. Is it?